There is no "how to" today, no "lesson plan". Just life and a confession.
As the holidays approach we all get busy and a little overwhelmed. I have a real love-hate relationship with this time of year. Admittedly, I lean more toward the love side of the equation, but I do have my moments. I guess things really changed when I lost my mom 2 years ago. The holiday changed for me. Too much emotion, too many memories, too much.
I think of my mom every single day. I still see her in other women, as they walk down the street. I still search for her in a crowd...I search. I'm pretty sure she isn't out there...but you never know. The hardest moments are when I see women my age out with their moms. I breaks my heart. Of course, I go to a ton of family oriented places, over the holidays in particular, and see the happy exchanges between mom and daughter. Man, do I miss those exchanges.
Now, the confession. I am usually pretty good at letting go of my emotion. I give in to the urge to cry or sit quietly. However, as I said, the holidays make it hard to take time to stop. Yesterday, my body wouldn't let me go one step further. I was out for a walk in the afternoon, both of my daughter's were at school...time to get some last minute gifts. As I walked along I could feel something building in my chest, a tightness. I suppose it has been building for weeks now. I managed to make it through a couple of stores, but I knew I had to get home. As I walked up the hill to my house the overwhelming feelings and emotions began to overpower me. Out of nowhere, a cat came meowing to my feet, giving me the little bit of support I needed to make it home without a complete breakdown.
I made it to the front door, key in hand. Inside. Release.
So, why do I share this intimate moment with you? Because I know that some of you out there are living through a loss. Whether it is a parent, a spouse, a child, a friend, an illness, a job loss, whatever. We live with loss...I suppose it is fundamental to life...to living. I know we try and push the emotion down, bottle it up, put it into a box. The truth is that eventually it all comes pouring out. Whether it comes out in rage, tears or aggression...it comes out. Always.
I try to embrace my pain and let it flow. You have no idea how much better I feel today. I can breathe a little easier, deeper. I know the pain will build up again in the days to come. But, yesterday was a little reminder that I need to take the time for release. Step away. Breathe.
